Mental Illness · Personal Things

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Yesterday’s post was all about me getting better. I talked about how I was feeling much better, more productive, the whole nine yards. And all of that was true. I really was getting better.

But, as I said in this post, recovery is not a linear process. There are a lot of ups and downs that come with getting better from any mental illness. Yesterday, I was up. Today, I am down.

The biggest thing I’m down about today is the fact that I’m jealous of people who have their shit together. I know it’s bad and that I shouldn’t be like that, but I am. I really am. I wish I could be the type of person to spring out of bed in the morning and spend the day working hard to accomplish my goals.

But I’m not that type of person, and I’m lucky to get through an entire day without two naps minimum.

I also self-sabotage. I say I want to do all these things, yet I don’t put the work into actually doing them. I say I want to do something, and I really do want to do it. But I come up with excuses. “I’m too tired.” “It was a long day at work.” “I’ll do it later.” “I don’t feel like it right now.”

Instead of putting my nose to the grindstone and actually getting shit done, I go to bed. I never used to nap at all, but I sleep so much now.

I spend all this time saying these things to myself, but what does it do? What do I gain from beating myself up like this? I’m basically being D when he’s not here. I’m doing his job of talking me down when he can’t.

And that’s some bullshit if I’ve ever seen any.

Why am I doing that? Why did I fight the man in person but I’m not fighting his ideas in my head? It doesn’t make sense, and I’m done listening to him. Every time I think something bad about myself, I’m going imagine him saying it and throw it away. His opinion does not matter anymore.

The point of this post kind of morphed as I wrote it. I started out writing it to tell you how bad I am and to show how quickly you can go from up to down.

Now, though, the point of this post is to tell you that being up or down can be a choice. You can choose to at least try to talk yourself up when you’re down. You can be a friend to yourself. You can be your own biggest ally in a world of enemies.

And that’s what I’m doing.

I’m done talking myself down and wasting the energy on feeling bad about myself. Instead, I’m going to put that energy into improving myself. I’m going to do the things I want to do. I’m going to find a way to wake up when I’m tired so that I don’t sleep my life away.

I’m going to be happy, dammit.


2 thoughts on “Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

  1. I understand that jealousy but want you to know that often I am that person working hard and accomplishing her goals and I’m hurting so much on the inside. I keep it from so many people – I’m only saying this because even though someone looks like they have it together, they may not. And it’s OK to be jealous of them.

    And oh do I understand self sabatoge. As soon as things feel fine, I’m go to screw it up because I am afraid if I don’t, something else will. And I’d rather be the reason I fail. It’s a hard one to get through.

    It’s OK to have off days xx


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