There’s this one blogger that I follow, and she is massively successful. I’ve been with her blog from the early days when she made absolutely no money off it, and it’s her full-time job now (along with some other thing she’s built from the blog). I love this blogger, and she writes in a way that makes you feel like you know her in person.
I love her, and I hate her.
I love her because she’s such an inspiration to me. She’s helped me get into bullet journaling, fountain pens, and much more. Every time she posts, I feel this giddiness inside me like a kid on Christmas morning.
I hate her because I’m not her. Hear me out. I think she’s what I would strive to be were I not so mentally ill. I don’t blame her for my problems, I blame my illnesses. I don’t think it’s in any way her fault that she’s successful at doing what she loves and I’m not.
But that doesn’t make me feel any better.
She’s over there living her life and doing what she loves, and I’m stuck here in my office job, hating life and myself. I’m utterly obsessed with her, but I absolutely hate her at the same time.
Such is the life of someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder).
I’ve been talking to Dr. H recently about my BPD. She’s still on the fence about formally diagnosing me with it, but I know for a fact that I have it. Most of the characteristics fit me. If you’d like to learn more about BPD in general, this is a really good place to start.
Anyway, one of the main features of people with BPD is polarized thinking. Someone is either all good or all bad. Something is either right or wrong. There is no grey area, no “possibly” or “maybe.” It is or it is not.
With this particular blogger, I think she’s all good. My husband says I’ve started to deify her, putting her on this pedestal that I’ve built from her online persona. He says that even she herself probably couldn’t live up to my expectations if I met her in real life because most people don’t show their struggles or bad times online.
This blogger recently posted the results from a survey. She posted the results of the survey in addition to some of the freeform comments she got on it. I read the whole thing, and I literally got so mad that she didn’t feature one of my comments. Mind you, this blogger has no idea who I am, and she has no obligation to please me. But my BPD told me that she hates me personally and that my responses sucked because she didn’t feature any of them.
I’m seriously thinking about cutting myself off from this blogger because I’m getting into creepy stalker levels of obsessed. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s not healthy for her. I need to be able to live my own life without worrying about what she’s doing and copying everything she does.
I don’t know that I’m strong enough to do that, though.
I don’t know. I just really needed to vent about this, and I wanted to do it here so that I can be anonymous. I really am ashamed of how I’m acting, but I know that there’s not much that I can do to help it.
What I can do to help it, though, I’m doing.