It’s been a while, huh?
I know, and I’m sorry. It’s been a really rough few months for me, but I really want to get back to writing regularly. I started this blog as a place for me to talk about my life, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Seasonal Affective Disorder was kicking my ass there for a while. It still is, but I think it’s fading. This comic perfectly sums up how I’m feeling right now:
My seasonal depression is definitely subsiding, but my regular depression is back in full force. I’m sleeping a lot, I have absolutely no interest in any activities that I used to enjoy (including writing, but I’ll address that later), and I have no motivation to care about my life at all. I’m missing work a lot again, and I’m finding it harder and harder to get myself to give a shit about work.
I no longer think this was just SAD. I think I’m in the midst of the biggest depressive episode I’ve ever had in my life. It really does feel like this storm cloud looming over me all the time. Sometimes, it just grumbles and threatens to rain. Other times, it opens the floodgates and pours rain all over me.
I’ve been wallowing in self-pity all these months, just wondering how to get over this and get back to where I was before this depressive episode started. I’ve been thinking of myself as the victim. I’ve come to realize, however, that thinking of yourself as the victim in a situation like this is a toxic mentality.
I’m not the victim, I’m just the patient. I don’t have to sit back and let depression pummel me. I don’t have to sleep all the time without at least trying to do the things I love. I can take control of this (to a certain extent) and make it my bitch instead of the other way around.
This doesn’t mean that I’ll be able to do whatever I want whenever I want and have unlimited energy. In fact, I’m probably going to bed right after I finish this post (and it’s only 8pm). But I at least did something. I wrote this post. I took the time to sit down and type out my feelings to share with the world, something I really love to do.
It’s a rocky road ahead, but I think I can make it.